8/20/23
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if you find this, congrats.
Im 13, soon to be 14 as of wrighting this. (in october)
i dont know what im doing here, in this world.
i want to die, i dont have any reason to stay here, im upset and i feel useless all the time.
i lay in bed all the time, im lazy, im depressed, i hate my appearence.
i cut my hair to feel better about my apperence but i fucked it up this time and now i want to crawl into a hole and never come out.
i want to express myself but i know how judgemental people can be.
it fucking sucks.
the one thing thats holding me back from killing myself is the fear of death.
would it be like sleeping?
when you fall asleep and suddenly wake up to the next day?
but instead of sleeping would it be the next life?
id love to believe in reancarnation, to keep myself grounded, but i barely see the sense in it.
yet it makes total sense, since energy is transferred, its never lost.
it always circles back.
as in you eat, produce waste, it goes into the ground as fertelizer, that can grow more food for something to eat again.
im 13 and 140 lbs.
im fat.
im a rude peice of shit.
i dont know what to do anymore but go through the motions of everyday.
im going back to school soon.
where people will judge me.
i dont want to be judged.
i wish i want to be one of those skinny, blonde girls that never do anything wrong in everyones eyes.
im scared of the world.
what will happen to me when i graduate middle school and highschool.
i bet someone will find this and make a post on it and call me "emo" or something.
although they arent wrong, i am trying to be into the emo fashion (the real one, not "grunge" or "alt", the REAL 2000's one) its meant to be derougitory.
people never take middle schoolers seriously, they invalidate us and how we feel.
it makes me fucking sick.
nobody take you serously unless your older.
then you finally get heard.
i really just want to be normal.
i feel guilty for having a therapist.
i know other people need it way more than me.
i dont know what else to add.
i might add more later.
ok bye.
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8/20/23, half an hour later. (?)
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ive decided this is gonna be a vent type thing, and whoever finds this will be lucky and learn a lot about me lol.
ill probably start updating when school starts on the 31st of august.
bye.
btw i added "---"'s between dates and entrys.